The process of understanding...is a balancing act

Sometimes I just want to disappear from sight, from memory, from emotion. Sometimes I don't want to have to deal with my issues. Sometimes I just feel like letting them sit and fester like an open wound. Sometimes I don't feel like putting in the work to make things right. Sometimes I don't want to compromise, I just want the shit to be my way. Sometimes I don't want to be understanding, sympathetic, empathetic, or any other of the pathetic "pathetics" that we do in order to make people feel better about themselves.

Sometimes I just feel like being mean, evil, and vindictive for no reason at all. Sometimes I just want to say FUCK IT and you too! Sometimes I dont want anyone to speak to me because I just want to be a BITCH. Sometimes I just want muthafuckas to kiss my ass and leave me the hell alone. Sometimes (not unlike today) I just want to curse up a muthafuckin bitch ass storm! (lol) Sometimes I just want to laugh at the most inappropriate shit.

I know it sounds fucked up, real fucked up, but it is the truth and today apologies are off limits. Sometimes being mean feels good, because every other day of my life I spend being kind, caring, understanding, considerate, thoughtful, appreciative, a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, and a good employee. Too much of a good thing can kill you. When I don't vent my frustrations (when, where, and how I want to) I become imbalanced.

So every now and then all of those words that I kept to myself, because they would cut too deep; all those thoughts I refused to think, because they were in no way pure and positive; fill my being to capacity and come bursting through as unexpectedly as thunder and lightening on a summer day, freeing me of all the negativity that I have built up inside. So that the next time when someone comes looking for a shoulder to cry on, a kind word of encouragement, or just an attentive listener, there won't be the faint smell of BULLSHIT in the air when I finally say "I UNDERSTAND."